What a nobleman should have done if he danced with a girl, and other gender oddities in Tsarist Russia

2024 Author: Richard Flannagan | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-15 23:55

Traditionally, it was customary to romanticize this time, they say, "balls, beauties, footmen, cadets …", and the high life of the aristocracy, they say, was full of fun, pleasant conversations and entertainment, and all this with a light flair of romanticism and gallant flirting. But at the same time, all this tinsel was flavored with a huge number of rules and restrictions that seem ridiculous and absurd not only to contemporaries, but also caused a lot of inconvenience to those who were forced to follow them.

Etiquette and "you" appeal to your own spouse

Most of the dogmas that were used concerned the regulation of the most sensitive topic of human relations - gender difference and relations between men and women. The life of the nobles, and without this, was regulated by etiquette restrictions at the slightest body movement. It was necessary to observe certain conventions at the first meeting, saying goodbye, waiting for a visit, receiving guests or going to them, giving gifts, and even more so, going to the ball. This distinguished the nobility from other strata of the population - the peasantry or the clergy.

There were so many rules that it was simply impossible to learn them in a day or two, so manners were taught from childhood, because it was necessary not only to behave in a certain way, but also to conduct small talk, and this is a separate science. Moreover, the depth of knowledge did not play any role here, it was important to be able to talk about everything at once. Skillfully moving from one topic to another. This requirement was explained by the fact that the conversation had to be of interest to all those present (including very young ladies), and therefore touch on the maximum possible number of topics.

The nobility was also distinguished by the fact that everyone addressed each other as “you,” this can be seen in Russian classical literature, where there are a lot of examples of how a wife addresses her husband in this way, and a brother refers to her sister. This is another way to keep yourself within the bounds of decency, even if you have a very close relationship with a person.

Appearance played a huge role, before going into the world, a nobleman had to dress up. It was considered indecent to come dressed somehow, what a good thing they would think that he had become poorer, and that was also bad manners. In general, it was customary to talk about money as if there were a lot of them, in abundance or in abundance. Poverty and limited funds in these circles were considered indecent and shameful.

Visits and their rigorous counting

The social life that all the nobles were supposed to lead implied constant communication. It was necessary to keep in touch with all friends and acquaintances. To do this, we went to visit each other, it was called “visits”. Moreover, the visitor could come without an invitation, but wait in the "dressing room" or in the corridor for an invitation from a footman, who reported to the owners of the house about the arrival. I entered only after the invitation after the fact. However, the visit could have been refused.

Most of the houses considered fashionable, whose owners led a rich social life, prepared early in the morning to meet the numerous visitors, and the owners were busy with their reception and entertainment.

It was customary to make return visits, and this was considered a prerequisite. Most often, the time for visits was in the morning - before breakfast or before lunch. Especially close guests could be invited to the table. If a visitor came, and the owner was not at home, or he could not receive him due to illness or employment, then the guest left a business card. It was specially bent in a certain way so that the purpose of the visit was clear. The upper right - congratulations, the lower left - came to say goodbye, the lower right - condolence to the loss, support.

It was impossible to get acquainted just like that, people were considered officially acquaintances only after they were introduced to each other, and someone else had to do it - a common acquaintance. The elders (women) were given their first name, surname, title, and in response they introduced themselves.

Balls and other social entertainment

Considering that even ordinary everyday life was regulated by a mass of rules, when it came to mass social events, the number of requirements only increased. Balls were the main entertainment of those times at the end of the 18th-mid-19th centuries - the flourishing of ballroom culture, which dictated its own conditions.

The fact that this or that family was holding a ball became known in advance. Invitations were sent out in about a week. After all, the invitees still had to choose the outfits in which they would appear at the event. The girls will discuss with each other the hairstyles and the color of the dresses, the seamstresses will finish the last preparations, the mothers will be given the last instructions. In general, there was a lot of things to do.

The time of arrival at the ball depended on who invited. If it was a matter of a court event, then it was necessary to appear an hour earlier. If the nobles were invited, then it was worth, on the contrary, to stay. The guests first greeted the hosts, then the rest of their acquaintances, even if for this they had to go through the whole room. It was indecent to enter the hall one at a time, besides, everyone who entered was introduced to the audience.

Would you like to dance? Let's make

The next very funny tradition is the engagement of the ladies. Despite the fact that this was presented as an invitation, and the lady could well refuse, all this is very similar to carve-up and charity. But first things first.

Married girls and young people, agreeing to come to the ball, also agreed on a prerequisite: come - dance. Moreover, if there was a shortage of girls or gentlemen, then it would be necessary to dance with those who are unpleasant. But, even to pretend that you are bored with this lady is impossible, it was necessary to sincerely and vividly show interest in her. The owner of the house and his sons had to dance with each lady in the evening, that is, the male owners thus showed their cordiality.

In order not to confuse and observe the engagement, the girls kept a special notebook in which the number of the dance and the name of the partner were recorded. It was possible to invite only the lady whose dance was free. Yes, the gallant gentlemen were clearly not timid, given that they could easily approach the lady to find out if she was free for the next dance or busy, especially since most likely she was busy.

It was not easy for the ladies either, because if she was free for this dance, she could not refuse one and go dancing with another. With a young man who was not presented to her, dancing was also considered extremely indecent.

It was necessary to talk about something pleasant and cheerful, no politics or business conversations, only a discussion of art, literature, performances, and better the weather and light gossip. In order to be known as a person in secular society, it was necessary to be able to maintain a conversation at such a level that it would be interesting to everyone, it was funny for the ladies, and the gentlemen had nothing to cling to with their tongues.

The rules even concerned facial expressions, one should be cheerful and joyful at the ball, coming with a sour face would be tantamount to dancing at a funeral. At the same time, in every possible way it was necessary to avoid those that could cause disputes and disagreements, any omissions were resolved outside the walls of the hall. Despite the fact that the protocol ordered everyone to dance with everyone, and dancing three dances with the same partner was considered something indecent at all. At the same time, showing jealousy was the height of ignorance, especially on the part of women. In general, the lady had to behave quietly and noiselessly, moving gently, on tiptoe.

Ladies, and indeed no one in general, did not appear to laugh loudly, throw unequivocal glances, pretend to be, and break down. Some would consider this a bad upbringing, others regretted, they say, the girl completely dies without attention from the gentlemen.

If a couple came to the evening, then together they had to dance the maximum possible number of dances (three), and give the rest to other guests. At the same time, dancing with the woman with whom the young man came was a prerequisite.

The lady had several reasons why she could refuse to dance: • she had already promised to dance with another young man, that is, the dance was engaged; • they had already danced with this gentleman three times in the evening or the previous dance; • the lady wants to rest and not dance at all going to another room • a gentleman without gloves (a very relevant requirement by modern standards);

If the lady refused the gentleman, it meant that she was missing this dance. If a lady forgot that she had promised to dance and went to dance with another, and then the rightful "owner" of the dance was announced, then the latter had priority. And the lady, having excused herself, could offer the first gentleman another dance. This was the end of the conflict. If the gentleman forgot about the dance, then the punishment was much more severe. The reproach came not only from the most forgotten lady, but also from the whole society.

During the dance, the gentleman could not hold her by the open neckline, shoulders, back or hands, both had to be in gloves. Simply put, you couldn't touch naked skin. Of course, it was impossible to snuggle up to each other, but also to stay too far away. The dancers were supposed to exchange a few words, but talking incessantly is bad form.

It was very important how well the gentleman danced. After all, it was he who was the leader in the pair and it depended on him how they fit into the overall production. In addition, a well-dancing and confident partner could hide small irregularities in the dance, thanks to which he became more interesting to the ladies.

Well, we danced, and then what?

Such events were almost the only opportunity to meet and find your mate. Therefore, it is not surprising that parents, whose daughters were matrimonial and, frankly, did not shine with beauty, and therefore were not particularly in demand in the bride market, were especially interested in organizing balls and other events of this kind, for example, playing cards. Although, of course, if the dowry was sufficient to compensate for this small detail, then there was no problem, but if both of these misfortunes coincided, then a huge effort had to be made to find a daughter. So the noblemen amused the youth as best they could, increasing the daughter's chances of finding a spouse.

And the chance at the ball was actually high. After all, even with all that was described above, with the end of the ball, all these strange rules did not end. The gentleman who invited the lady to dance was supposed to come to her house in the next few days to meet her parents. No, no one forced him to marry. For now. But all this was a very clear hint that there was no point in arranging dances with girls whom you did not consider as a bride. And given that the invitation to the ball was equal to the obligation to dance, then young people simply did not have a choice how to get married as soon as possible.

So, the gentleman comes with a visit to the house of the girl with whom he danced, casually examines the situation, estimates the level of wealth (read the size of the dowry) of the family, and the parents immediately have the opportunity to evaluate a possible candidate for a son-in-law face to face. Moreover, there is a chance to meet the girl you like and say a few words to her. That will have enough worries for another week. Romance, and more!

Everything was exactly like this, if not for the number of balls, which were held 2-3 per week during the season, and if the young man had the stupidity to invite several girls to dance at once, then all the next days were busy with visits to strangers and empty talk about weather and literature.

Considering all these difficulties, the gentleman would think several times before inviting a girl to dance for fun. Only if he really liked her, needless to say that the girls were not very beautiful and not particularly wealthy, they tried not to disturb them with invitations once again. It turned out to be a vicious circle, in which dance was perceived as an important part of courtship for the sake of marriage, and everyone around only did how they contributed to this, but prevented any other communication between young people of marriageable age. Perhaps the official registration of a relationship or an engagement was the only way to be alone for a banal conversation and the absence of the need to constantly comply with certain requirements and rules.

To be honest, balls were nothing more than as a bride, which were arranged so that the growing brides and grooms could decide on a profitable party.