What happens in families where children are never said no

2024 Author: Richard Flannagan | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-15 23:55

The debate about what is "right" and what is "wrong" in raising children will never subside, and every time a child indulges in or throws a tantrum in public, there is a person who blames the child's parents for this behavior. Particularly subject to such criticism are followers of the so-called "careful parenting" - a code of conduct when children are not punished and do not say "no" to them.

Natalia, 38 years old, writer

Natalie from Great Britain has three children - Bluebell (7 years old), Maximilian (4 years old) and two-year-old Marigold. At home, ordinary childish quarrels often occur, and then children drag each other by the hair, throw objects at each other, kick and beat each other. Sometimes hysterics happen - with screaming, with breaking things. For all this, Natalie never raised her voice, and even more so did not even spank any of her children. Instead, as she herself admitted, she herself goes to the toilet "to recover."

“I lock myself in the toilet for five minutes and think about the situation,” Natalie says. She does this because her first reaction is still to go up to the child, yell at him, scold him and rudely pull or put him on the floor. “But this is against my parenting code,” says Natalie. “I don’t want to raise my children in a raised voice.”

What does Natalie do in such cases? She is trying to find out why the child behaved this way - maybe he is tired, wants to sleep, hungry, or, on the contrary, wants to move - behind each hysterics there is some other, non-obvious reason, Natalie is sure. And then she explains to her daughters or son that such behavior is unacceptable in their home, and that it can have undesirable consequences. This is why she almost never says no to her children.

“When Bluebell was a little girl, we had a punishment corner. Well, everyone did. But when we sent her to him on her second birthday and I saw what a dejected face she had, and I thought that there must be another way of upbringing. Since then, we have been solving all issues through conversations."

Natalie confesses that her husband Rob does not support her methods. "He thinks I'm weak in character." Natalie's mother also does not support this type of upbringing. "She is much stricter with my children." Where a child begs for candy, Natalie's mother is able to bicker with the child for half an hour and constantly say a firm "no", while Natalie herself admits that she would have given the child this candy so as not to injure her relationship with him with such fights.

“If they want to watch TV or eat a cookie, I usually do not refuse them. Firstly, not only do I have three children, I also have a job. And secondly, I briefly explain to them what will happen if they take the cookies, and then I have no time to talk with them. I wouldn't bicker for 20 minutes."

Remembering her own childhood, Natalie admits that she was raised in a completely different way. “Mom never explained why we are not allowed to do this or that. It must have been hard to constantly tell the children an endless “no”. But I never asked her what she thought about my way of parenting."

Emma, 39, graphic designer

Emma and her husband Simon both welcome "gentle parenting" in their home. “We never say no to our daughter. This word means nothing. We never say "naughty" or "good" or "bad" in relation to the behavior of children. It is worth saying that the child is naughty, and other adults already behave accordingly. Any hysteria has reasons - and they should be looked for."

“If my daughter Otti says that someone 'behaved disobediently' in the kindergarten, I correct her and say that we just do not know the reason why he behaved this way or he did not know how to express his feelings otherwise. If Otty does something despite the fact that I asked not to do it, then it is she who is not 'disobedient', but is exploring the world empirically."

“I remember once in a clothing store she had a tantrum and fell to the floor screaming. I sat down next to me and said, “Okay, now we’ll figure it out.” If I started screaming, it wouldn't solve the problem. And other people looked at us in disbelief."

Emma admits that this kind of behavior does not mean that everything is allowed for children. “We have strict rules - don't swear, don't kick, don't fight. If Otty breaks these rules, I tell her that this is bad behavior and ask her how she is going to handle this situation."

Biba, 38 years old, housewife

Biba says that even if her 5-year-old daughter Tabitha pulls out a knife from a drawer in the kitchen, she will not say no to her. "I will let her take it, but I will explain that it is dangerous." In addition to the five-year plan, Biba has a 14-year-old son from a previous marriage and a one and a half year old daughter Lola. Despite this rather risky parenting style, Biba says that there were no accidents with her children.

“The kids aren’t naughty, she just don’t know how to express her feelings,” says Biba. “But people don't understand my parenting methods. They think I'm some kind of hippie fanatic. Even a husband is sometimes difficult. He believes that children are not yet able to understand such complex things. He instinctively calms them down with threats, like “if you don't eat dinner, you won't go for a walk. But it's not right. These two things are not related."

Biba is sure that the word “no” should be said only in case of danger to the lives of children. And if you repeat it in everyday life for any reason, it loses its power.

Amelia, 25, housewife

Amelia admits that her way of raising children is a protest against the way she was raised herself. “I had a difficult childhood and parents who had different views on parenting. Dad was strict and Mom was passive, so I never knew what to do."

“I studied several methods of raising children, and 'careful parenting', when you communicate with children as well as adults, seemed to me the most appropriate. She and her husband Joel have two children - AJ is 4 years old, and little Forest, who is only 4 months old.

“We are not saying that AJ is good or bad, or that he is naughty. We don't say no to him or make him apologize. If only he wants to apologize himself. If he hit another child, it is because he is confused, and children of his age usually express their feelings physically. I explain to him that the other child is in pain and that because of his act, he most likely will no longer play with him."

Amelia admits that such a method of education is not an easy one, and even more so it is not easy to explain to others the motives of her actions. “My natural reaction to my son’s stubbornness is to scream, especially when I’m tired myself. But I try not to. The son just starts yelling back at me. I breathe in and out and explain to him why this should not be done. For example, there is a road next to the garden, and I tell him that it is dangerous there, so he becomes more careful."

Child psychologist Alwyn Moran agrees that saying no to children all the time is wrong, as is yelling at children. "But how are they going to adapt their children to a future where these no's will be waiting for them at every turn?"

You can learn about how daughters were raised in peasant families 100 years ago from our article. "What a girl could do at the age of 10".